Window pain

She is trying, my doctor, to solve the mystery of these hallucinations. MRI today. EEG soon. Change in meds. Sudden stoppage of meds due to skin rash. Outpatient program going on 5 weeks, which is only supposed to be 2 weeks. My piece: take meds consistently. Go to group. Exercise, eat healthy, continue w day to day tasks as much as possible. Participate in enjoyable activities. In short, do not stay in bed all day. Epic fail today. Got up at my usual time 5:45. Had MRI at 8:45. Took some klonopin, As the last attempt I could not follow through on. Hmmm…tight space, loud chaotic noise, just not my cup of tea. But, I made it through w flying colors.
Then. Then I walked back to my car to see in black spray paint the words: “you must die. And you will” I couldn’t scrape it off w my windshield wipers. I didn’t know what to do. This is a massive parking lot at the only hospital nearby. I figure I better head to a gas station. I can barely see the road between these awful dark forecasting words. I crouched down as low as I could to see clearly. The first gas station I see was about 3-4 miles away.
I pull into a stall to use the cleaner they have at the pumps. The one with the handle and sponge at the end. I scrub and scrub, walking back and forth in front of my car. I press harder. Grit my teeth. Cuss under my breath. This had to be the work of the devil as he is stalking me and wanting me dead for a month. I don’t know how long I was there before the attendant came out and told me to leave. He told me I was blocking customers. He also added that I was crazy. I wanted to argue that I have rights too, but had no fight in me. I was obsessed w getting these words off my car. I could drive home safely but black paint could still be seen. I got home and promptly dropped my stuff on the kitchen able. I grabbed the glass cleaner we have and used the extra towels from the gas station. From side to side I scrubbed. I don’t know for how long, but I got it off. I wrote fuck you in glass cleaner one last time. By this time I was full of tears. I came inside and literally went to bed.
My husband called about 4 hours later which prompted me to get up. I watched tv for a while, really just staring into the screen. I had kickboxing class tonite, couldn’t imagine going. He said the right words to piss me off to go just to “spite him.” I jumped around for an hour and just about forgot my troubles.
Upon my arrival home he came out to my car and questioned whether there was black paint. I explained I had gotten it all off. He was concerned, but I heard frustration in his voice. He said there was never any paint. I accused him of coming outside to call me a liar. We entered the house and he asked who would do such a thing and I yelled, the Devil. He showed me the towels I used which were in the trash. No traces of black anything. I became distraught explaining I could not see, I scrubbed and I scrubbed…
He explained he was fearful of the distorted thinking I was displaying. Asked me if I should go to the hospital. I almost got up out of my chair and screamed how could you send me back..they can’t help me. They don’t listen or care. He calmly suggested he is only trying to help because he loves me so much and hates to see me suffer.
This morning I am in tears because I am realizing how lost in the hallucination I was. How tricked I was. How vulnerable I was. I lost time trying to wipe evil words off my car that never existed in the first place. I feel somewhat foolish. But mostly scared.


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