I have written for a friend’s blog for a few years now. Words have saved me so many times. It may seem odd to some that I can put these words “out there” for anyone to see, but I cannot repeat them to those I love. Sometimes the pain of bipolar is so great I cannot speak. I literally shut down, shut in. But, then angry, critical, downright mean words swirl about on the inside. Which as we all know causes more distress. So, I began to write what my aching heart was feeling, where my racing thoughts were going, how the anxiety was crippling, or how the psychosis was taking over. When thoughts of jumping off the bridge or actions of driving to the bridge became too great I would never pick up the phone. Rather I would take to virtual pen and paper. Sometimes it was so cathartic I would be released from the pain for a short time. Other times, well I would take a trip to the hospital because the universe hearing me was not quite enough.
My writing tends to be raw and in the moment. I don’t tend to filter. I used to worry I would scare people or they would find me disturbing. I guess I’m over that because MY bipolar disorder IS scary and disturbing. As they say in AA, take what you like and leave the rest. What I share is real and to the point. I’m not very fluffy. I suppose I could try to be, but that’s not really me. I suffer from psychosis a majority of the time. I have had one major manic episode in the 2.5 years I’ve been diagnosed. Mostly, I am on the depressed/suicidal end of the spectrum that morphs into hallucinations, delusions and paranoia. Talk about disturbing. The theme is very dark. Just to get real and honest, I fear the devil is coming to take me away. I often hear voices threatening that he is coming and its time for me to die. I have seen my dead body in many forms over the last month: hanging, crucified, run over by a car, bludgeoned. I’ll admit I am really having a tough time enduring these visions. I have felt the devil breathing on me and heard him whisper in my ear. I apologize for the graphic scenarios. But, it’s the truth.
We just can’t get my medications correct. I can’t get back to work, which I take pride in. I have purpose when I am at work. But, these symptoms hit in the middle of the day or the middle of the night. There seems to be no rhyme or reason. Good day, bad day..doesn’t matter much. I am very unpredictable right now. Not sure me screaming in the middle of my office and falling to the floor is good office etiquette. My husband deserves a medal of honor for sticking to my side through all this.
I am not one that thinks much about anniversaries. For example, November of last year I had a major manic episode and suicide attempt in the same month. I have had other suicidal gestures that landed me in the hospital, but this was a significant attempt. Anyway, memories of last November have been on my mind. The manic episode wasn’t glorious. It was angry and agitated and risky. It was not fun. I took off in my car after my husband left for work and just headed down the road. I didn’t call into work. I didn’t call anyone. I just drove. I was suddenly on a mission. I arrived at the ocean and checked into a hotel. Here is the email..EMAIL…I sent to my husband:
Please read this w an open mind and an open heart. I will not be coming home tonite. This feels like something I have to do. Please do not see this as me walking out on you but rather a chance for me to walk into me. I feel out of sorts and there is something wrong w me. I feel I need a little time to sort out the things in my head. I do not need to figure out if I love you. I know that deep in my heart. I love you very much. You are a special person in my life. But right now I need quiet and to be away from everything and hopefully quiet the demons in my head. I do not want to hurt you EVER and u know I have and continue to do so. I’m not where I want to be in my life. I have no plans to hurt myself so please try not to worry about that. This is a short journey I feel I need to repair something in ME. I packed a bag on impulse and got in the car. I’m okay!!
Somehow he didn’t think an email was enough, but I disagreed. I am an adult. I am making decisions I feel are in my best interest. Hmmm…really? Here we go….