I don’t know about you, but I am constantly on a quest to figure myself out. I can never just be. Just be present. Just be normal. Just be okay with the moment. The other day I was feeling quite agitated. I had to go to my pharmacy to try yet another medication to address these hallucinations. Parking was atrocious. Once I found parking, I could not seem to locate my wallet. I went from zero to 60 in less than 60. I was a hot mess in no time. I couldn’t think to retrace my steps. All I could seem to do was yell and scream. Thank goodness I was inside my car making this obnoxious scene. I was throwing things, literally throwing things around the car. As if that would help. I think I just might have finally lost my mind. But then, after digging in my bag for the 3rd time I found it.
The line at the pharmacy was ridiculous. 25 people deep and maybe 3 pharmacy techs to help. To spare you the charming, yet embarrassing details, I will cut to the chase. I let a lady, I hoped actually worked there, have it. For me to give “it” to someone the world must be coming to an end. Normally, I am pretty well contained. If I feel anger, its inward. Rarely do I blow up towards the outside world. Well, today was a different story. I did not feel good about it at all. I got my medication after about 1.5 hours. I heard another woman yell at the actual pharmacist. She said she had been waiting for over 2 hours to get medication for her husband who had cancer. She needed to be home with him, not waiting in this line. I choked on my tears. How selfish am I? If I didn’t start these meds today, it would not have been the end of the world. If I hadn’t yelled at that lady perhaps the line could have moved faster. I feel like a shell of my former self.
My former self, pre-bipolar, would have handled this in stride. Just texted some folks on my phone to pass the time. Hell stared off in into space. Whatever. I definitely would not have lost my mind in a public setting. After telling my husband the story, he said SO…you were frustrated. Maybe you had a right to be maybe you didn’t. But it seems to me that’s how you were feeling in the moment. He reminded me it is not helpful to judge my emotions as negative. Okay, so I don’t normally blow up. True. I don’t normally have months of psychosis either. I just can’t seem to give myself a break. All these symptoms all the time.
Anxiety is a big one. It’s brutal and often times I don’t understand why I am anxious. I ponder. I question. I force an answer to come. Anxiety just is. Sometimes it can be accounted for, sometimes not. Isn’t it more important how I handle it. Breathing helps me. I’ve also taken to looking around my environment and looking for something I consider beautiful to focus on. In the car, it’s the fall leaves. In the house, it’s a painting, or a mandala I have completed. Having tools in my back pocket is helpful. Remembering to use them is the key
I was questioning why I was agitated, why I would act that way both in the car and in the pharmacy. There isn’t always an easy answer. Our emotions flow out of us on their own accord. Its what we do with them that counts most. I didn’t beat anybody up or really insult anyone. I just let my feelings of frustration out. It wasn’t the woman’s fault, all the mix ups with the medications. She just happened to be the stick, ya know. All I can do is remain on my quest, maybe start focusing on how I can improve instead of always trying to figure myself out. I think its good to reflect on situations, but not with a flavor of self criticism. I am not perfect. Far from it. Why can’t I hold onto that in the moment and just let it be?
If I had it to do over again. I would breathe and take my time. I wasn’t under a time crunch. I gave myself plenty of room anticipating it might be a bit busy. In the car, I might have told myself I’ve been losing things lately, but I always end up finding it. The wallet could not have gone far. If I stayed calm perhaps I would have been able to retrace my steps and recalled exactly where I put it. All in hindsight of course. But, maybe when I am calm and detached from the situation taking a moment to see where I can improve will only help. Geez. There you go. Always on a quest.