How easily I push send and my words, emotions, insides are sent into the digital stratosphere. Yet, picking up the phone to simply send a text indicating I’m having a hard time is nearly impossible. I do not want you to know that side of me. Just yesterday we sat drinking coffee and laughing. New in our friendship. Colleagues. But also so much more as we share a secret. Alcoholism. I am one step ahead with a mental illness as well. I carry bipolar disorder in one pocket and alcoholism in the other. I am coming up on a “birthday” as they say. I will have 3 years in mid December.
You professed that if I ever needed ANYTHING, ANYTIME, you would do all that you could in that moment to help me. Today I am drowning in my own thoughts. Intrusive thoughts of self harm. Loud voices reminding me I have no friends. Other than my husband, who is extremely burnt out on me, I have no one. So, I reach out. I do opposite action and send a text. All I asked was that he tell me about his day…distraction. I already scoured the kitchen clean. I already took a nap. The only energy I have left is to follow through on the flashes of suggestions. Suggestions on ways I could end my life right here and now.
This episode I am experiencing is very painful. Its long. Its slowly killing my spirit. I was told by one doctor this new medication was “fast acting.” We could expect to see results in as little as 4 days. However, my very own doctor confirmed today this med is no faster than any other antipsychotic. So, what the fuck does that mean. 4-6 weeks? 2-3 weeks. Truth is no one knows. Its such a crap shoot, these medications. I let my expectations get the best of me. I desperately need to feel better. I want so much to be in control of my mind again. Having hallucinations that I harmed my husband is just too much for me. The therapist in my group today suggested it was just like any other symptom. I disagree. All threats of harm have been directed solely at me. To think I might have hurt him in any way is beyond what I can handle. To think my mind is even leaning in that direction causes me terrible distress. It makes me feel as if I should exit right about now.
I stay because of him. He is my amazing husband. If you can believe this bout of psychosis that lingers and lingers has brought us closer. He has really been able to sit with me in the darkest moments and I have been able to let him. This is new for us. He is so patient and just holds my hand for as long as needed. Of course, I have always loved him. He is my rock. Right now he is my everything. I couldn’t do this without him. The thoughts I am having toward him scare me.
I want to spare him my pain. My confusion. My violent hallucinations. But, I want him to hold me and keep me safe too. The battle that rages in my head is a nonstop storm. I explained to the therapist I hear so many things in my mind at once..its not real, this just is, these are just symptoms. But where is there room for the anger, the frustration that this is happening at all? This continues since October. Are we even on the right path to fixing it? Does anyone know?
Walking in faith, right. Probably the best course of action. I can say I was trying that approach about 3 weeks ago. Focusing on gratitude. Seeing things for what they are. At this point in my journey, I am becoming bitter and angry. I remain off work for 2 full months now. No income. No purpose really. No connection. Mostly sitting in fear. Waiting. I am not a medication person. However, this has me on my knees. Its my only option. Can anyone else see why I might be frustrated? Or is it like the therapist said, think of it like any other symptom. This just IS.