Depression knocked me around like a rag doll this morning. I got up. I cried. I sat and cried for an hour or so. I went back to bed. I couldn’t curl up tight enough to ward off the darkness. My hands were so cold. I couldn’t get warm. I couldn’t find the comfort and safety I was craving. I just laid there. For. Hours. Eyes open. Eyes closed. It was all the same. The sigh that came from my body is long and desperate. I cannot stand the silent killer. The rolling fog of depression takes its sweet time before it fully consumes you. Its subtle. A little less energy yesterday. A little less pep in my step the day before. A few extra tears today. Before I know it I am knee deep in mud. I cannot move. The worst part is, I don’t really care.
My mind just circles. Reminds me of all things unworthy about me. Berates me for being in bed, but doesn’t entice me to rise up. A barrage of intrusive thoughts almost like on a movie screen fills the room. Options, I have options. This is the message. Though a very sad and disturbing one. Much like the hallucinations, always detailed and disturbing. Why can’t it be a reel of me walking through a patch of sunflowers, as I just love them. We grow them and I watch them and critique them every day. I look at the position they take when the sun is out versus when the sun has gone down for the day. I watch how quickly or how slowly the face of the flower opens to full bloom. The thoughts and voices that plague me are nowhere near that beautiful. I wish they were.
It was a text and a phone call at noon that got me out of bed. I had no plans to sleep the day away, it was just happening. I knew for sure I had to get up by 2pm as I had an acupuncture appointment. I unraveled from the covers. I picked myself up and threw me over the side of the bed. I had to get out of that insidious chamber of self hatred. But, once I left the bedroom I was subject to reality. I had to figure out what I was going to do to pass the time til my appointment. I settled on going out to get some soup. Maybe that would comfort me. I of course bought some chocolate to help soothe me as well. I think I am gaining some weight and I turn to food for solace a little more than I should. I sat in the sun. As I ate my soup, tears just rolled down my cheeks. I do not know why. My husband called and it was like a rain storm falling from my eyes. I was wearing a hat and I was trying so hard to hide right up underneath it, as if to disappear. He was trying to offer support and love. I wanted to hear nothing of it. I all the sudden feeling like a big burden. I told him there was nothing he could do in this moment. I hung up the phone at a loss. I do not want to push him away, but I do not want to overwhelm him either.
I drove over to acupuncture, which is only 5 minutes away. I thought I had more than a few minutes to spare but turns out I was running late. I had to wipe the tears from my eyes once again. This is a community clinic so more than once person is being treated at a time. The most important component of the setup is that its affordable. I found my spot and got settled. She came over to check in and treat me. As she felt my pulse her first statement was, wow I sense a lot of fear. Are you feeling fear? I only shook my head. She asked me if my neck hurt? I replied no. She told me my lungs were very active. She placed a needle in my left forearm to address this. She waited 30 seconds and tried my pulse again. She said it was much better. She put the needles in various places, head, wrists, knees, feet. She leaned me back in the chair and told me to have a nice rest. At about 50 minutes she came over and removed the needles. She had remembered very active lungs can also mean grief. Tears just streaked my face
I made it back to my car. I just started sobbing. I was feeling grief much of the day. Grief about bipolar disorder and how it disrupts my life in such a big way. Grief I’m in no shape to work right now. Grief that I have pushed friends away and feel so lonely. Grief that I feel like I am not doing my share by bringing home a paycheck right now. Also, I have fear that these symptoms will never subside. They are going to be around and I truly have to find a way to live with them. I fear I am a burden to my husband. I could hear in his tone of voice he is tired.
As I drove home, I took stock of my situation. I can feel this depression coming for me. I have to fight it off. I have no energy to fight more darkness. I need a plan. I have an appointment with my pdoc in 12 days to be reassessed for work and discuss this new medication. That is a long way off. I need to find some structure. My morning outpatient program ends tomorrow and there will be groups in the evening suggested. I need to be willing to commit. Sleeping and or staring into space just isn’t going to cut it. If my goal is to return to work, assuming the psychosis is under control, I can’t let depression catch me. Plus, in reality, my benefits run out at the end of the month. I better get cracking on a plan for myself. I think it starts with a workout. See ya later…..