At a Loss

I’m trying to stay in the present moment. Not worry about my job. Paycheck. Benefits. Future. My husband is so kind and offering for me to stay off work. He can cover my benefits through his work for  a short time. Perhaps I should quit my current job and find something a little less stressful, little less demanding.  Maybe something part time.  Its all too much to think about, but I feel I need to figure things out. I just don’t know where to start.  I am at a loss. I feel the structure and purpose of work would be good for me, but the stress and demands could be detrimental at this point.  If I can’t get through a day without buying into a hallucination, how can I meet a deadline?

Yesterday was a day off from my outpatient program. Doesn’t really matter as I was feeling too depressed to go on Wednesday.  But as I woke up yesterday morning I was determined to give depression a run for its money.  I got busy as soon as I hopped out of bed. My plans were to clean the kitchen, work out, work on some art, listen to some music.  I worked out first, as it was what I wanted to do least. But, by the end, as usual, I was very glad I pushed myself through.  On to the kitchen. I took out the compost to our bins in the backyard. We have a large backyard. I brought a shovel to break up the scraps inside the bins (easier for them to breakdown that way.) As I was walking back, I felt dirt being thrown on me. I could even taste it. The devil was digging a grave for me. I ran over to the dug up area in our garden and yelled for him to stop torturing me. I heard menacing laughter and the words, get in!. Instead, I took my shovel and began covering the hole back up. I don’t know how long I was out there. I was in a trance. Determined to undue this mess.  What brought me back around was raindrops falling on my head. I had no idea it had started to rain. It was raining just hard enough to distract me.  I had probably recovered a 3-4 foot area of our garden.

I cannot seem to draw the line for myself and not get lost in a hallucination. If my husband is home, he can talk me through it fairly quickly at this point. When he is not home, it’s a different story. I was distraught and confused as to how I let it get as far as it did.  Late into the evening, my husband was out watching music. I was getting ready for bed. I heard a knock at the door.  We have a long hallway where both the back door and the front door share space. I thought maybe it was my husband and friend returning. As I got closer, I realized the knock was from the back door. This was very odd. Should have been clue number 1. I turned on the back light, but could not see anyone. I peeked through the hole in the front one. I head back to my bedroom.  Next, I heard the doorknob being rattled, as if someone was trying to get in. Knocks, then rattles. I then heard..Just Get In chanted several times as the rattling and knocks kept occurring. I was so scared. I refused to open the door. But the chatter would not stop. I began to cry. Fear was taking over my body. I grabbed headphones and my Ipod. I listened to music as loud as possible. I sat on the floor leaning up against my bed. Just crying as if I was going to die.  At some point, my husband came home and picked me up off the floor. He shook me. Told me none of the day’s events were real.

As long as these types of scenarios occur, I don’t see how I can return to work. They happen in the middle of the day as well as at night. I would be horrified if a hallucination were to happen to me at work and I follow through on it somehow. I am so discouraged. I don’t know what to do. I can’t imagine not going back to my job. I like my job. I need my job. I’m good at my job. I have been at that agency for 16 years. It kills me, the thought of bipolar disorder beating me up so badly I can’t return to my job.  My fucking job.  Now what?

Do I hop on my husband’s insurance and wait longer to “get better?” Do I go back to my work part time for a short time to get acclimated before moving into full time status?  I have this desire to be fully recovered before my return so I do not have to show up and immediately take time off again.  I think that would be damaging to my self esteem. What am I talking about, this whole damn things is damaging.

I sit and hear my husband’s words. He says he is trying to take the pressure off. But I hear, you are not fit to work. You cannot handle your job as its too stressful. I can’t handle you this way plus with work stress.  In my very own heart, I am fearful I can’t handle the job anymore.  That thought makes me so angry.  How can bipolar disorder rob me of so much?  Also in my heart, I know my husband wants me well and happy. He wants to help.  He promises we are okay financially for a little while. I don’t see how that can be true, but he is our money guy.  I can’t seem to trust the process, but maybe I can trust in him.

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