Dear Friend

Dear Friend,

 

No sweet greetings today. I find myself mad at you.  What’s worse is that I don’t want to be and I am not sure I am supposed to be.  Sometimes the dynamics are odd. I am a rather kind person and tend to let things go easily, but I think you trigger me.  It was meant to be a good time for all who wanted to come. Technology being what it is, the message you received and then perhaps relayed didn’t go as planned. I guess I can see that. However, we talked in person several days prior.  We were all making plans, together. Each of us had a different idea of how the evening would unfold as we come from different directions.  That was understood.  No feelings were hurt at that time.  An open invitation was issued.

Then why? I don’t understand.  Why would you proceed to let me know that I had hurt our friend’s feelings by inadvertently excluding her from a text string.  You were on the string. You would be riding with her and making your own plans.  Why wouldn’t you just fill her in knowing, KNOWING, all was invited to our makeshift party?  In addition, and I think this is important, knowing I am not the kind of person to leave others out. To exclude. To dismiss. To overlook. To be downright rude.  I consider her to be my friend too, maybe not as good a friendship as you have. But a friend just the same.  I think you know that.

Fast forward. Several texts back and forth. Some not so kind. Confusion.  We get a text from her, saying she didn’t feel it was a big deal at all. She wasn’t really even feeling left out. She understood we all had different roads that would lead us to the venue. It would be at the venue the true party could start. She also explained it was an inference you made. An inference!  So the words, gee I feel excluded were not even uttered. Just more confusion.  Again what is your purpose in telling me?  Could you not have let her know, knowing me, that surely there was no exclusion.  Propped her up. Reminded her of the conversations we all had in person prior to this technological disaster.

Its funny to the think of all the times you have come in and out of my life over the years.  I mean its been a lot of zig and zag. And always, I am left feeling like I am not sure if I’m allowed to be mad at you.  You do this dance or trance. I’m not sure what happens. But I am left second guessing myself.  That seems like it can’t be good. But, who’s fault is it.  I am responsible for my own feelings and emotions.  I cannot control how you operate.  When you are not in my life I invariably miss you, but when you are I tend to feel more pain.  Pain isn’t necessarily bad. Maybe you here to remind me I am alive.  I already have my emotional challenges with bipolar disorder.  I suppose I zig and zag too with depression and mania.  You can just stand off to the side when these states happen.  But when your arrow hits me in the heart and I question myself, I’m not sure where to stand.  Alone on my side. Or lean toward your side.  I don’t have many friends who can handle my load, want to handle my load.  You seem to want to for the most part.  I do appreciate that.  Its just.  Its just something keeps holding me back.  Could it be my already confused and chaotic life just butts heads with yours?  I don’t know.  I really don’t know.

Its kinda sad. I always prided myself on being able to meet someone where they are. I can be flexible, bend at the hard places.  Perhaps there was a time I was like that.  Maybe I can’t be that person anymore as I have to protect myself now.  I can be fragile. I can be large. I can be in between.  But, I just can’t figure out where you fit in my journey. I’m not making any sudden moves. I’m just putting it out there.  Sometimes friends take different roads and that’s the way its meant to be.

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