All or Nothing

I’m a little embarrassed at how overwhelmed I felt today.  I had acupuncture at 12. I got up at 7:45. PLENTY of time to do Saturday morning things: drink coffee, read blogs, work out, shower, drive 12 min to appointment.  By my estimate I had til 9:30 to comfortably bide my time til a sweat session.  I wasn’t particularly motivated. I worked out the day before and the lazy Meister of my brain was trying to convince me that was good enough. Momentum is what I seek. A buy in from myself is much needed.  I go full bore 5 days in a row w killer workout ideas, then stall out the following week. Typical Fanatic all or nothing thinking. I was running late as I couldn’t seem to move from my seat or let go of my coffee cup. It’s now 9:45 as I’m tying my shoes. My brother texts at 9:48 something about missing his kids…ex-wife.  I certainly can’t ignore this.  But time is a tickin! My phone is my timer as well as my connection to my brother. Luckily today is body weight, not treadmill. So I respond to him and make sure he is okay in between sets.
25 minutes later I need to find what I’m going to wear. Of course it’s in the laundry. Of course I don’t know if it’s dry.  I walk into the laundry room/cat litter box station. Just for me, a little gift sits in front of the dryer.  I’m a failed mother. Clothes are not dry. I walk back through my house and see the chaos and disaster. What a fucking mess I live in.  I’m a failed wife.  The clock doesn’t stop for madness. I feel like I can’t handle working part time and keeping my house clean. So silly. I have nothing but time.  But, i get nothing done.
All the sudden I panicked. How was I going to get through the day? How in the world was I going to fix all this.  Plus, after acupuncture was grocery shopping and I said I would cook. I hate cooking. What was I thinking!  Not today. Please not today.
So, something happened to me in the shower. And no, I didn’t magically lose 10 lbs. I took a deep breath, well a few. I pictured my hand on my cheek, like my magical psychologist taught me. I forgave myself for feeling like I can’t take care of myself, my house and my job right now.  I declared I would take one step at a time.  Priority of the morning was to work out. Check. And get myself to acupuncture.  The rest will have to wait. EXCEPT for that cat box. In this case, gifts are not accepted.
As it goes with me one day I will have a breakthrough and the next may fall flat on my face. Maybe that happens with most people, or maybe just for those of us with bipolar disorder. I don’t know.  I do know I can step back and see how the anxiety was temporary.  I took a DBT skill and put it into action. That does not happen very often. This is what I’d call a pretty decent day in recovery.  I’m glad I’m not just sweeping it under the rug. It’s important for this bipolar fanatic to celebrate the victories once in a while. Yahoo!!


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