Breathe and Just Be

My short term memory is beyond horrible.  I think this is due to both bipolar disorder itself and to medication.  Either way it’s a blessing and a curse. I found this quote this morning, approximately 5.5 hours ago, I cannot remember where I got it from. I also did not write down the name of the person to give credit to, not out of disrespect, but maybe forgetfulness. I’m not sure really.  In any case, its basic and to the point, which makes it even more poignant. “Accept what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be.”

I read it before I went to work this morning. I also read Angel cards. I used to do this everyday when I was living in a recovery house for 30 days. I’m an alcoholic if you didn’t already know. The two cards I pulled were Power and Body Care.  This was a lot of food for thought on a Monday.  As I was driving my whopping 13 minute commute, I could feel tears falling down my cheek.  I was trying to pinpoint exactly why this was happening. I had a good night’s sleep. I had a good weekend. My house was still a mess, but when isn’t it.  Really no reason for the waterworks.

I decided to dig a little deeper. What was I daydreaming about? What was I worried about? I am only facing a 4 hour workday. That doesn’t feel very powerful. I’m going to ask my pdoc to change my work status for full time in 2 weeks. I can do more. I can be more. That feels powerful. I seem to always define myself by my job. If I’m back working full time that means I am well/recovered/better/not ill.  I can almost hear my doc’s response. Let’s make sure you are all those things first, THEN insert more hours.  I see her point. But, I think my point is valid too.

I feel more productive, more useful, more important when I check in somewhere for 8 hours and have tasks to be done.  Its when I have hours of idle time I begin to feel depressed, useless, powerless. I am not so good at implementing my own structure.  I am not so good at giving myself permission to take my sweet time getting back to “normal.” Truth is, I don’t really want to.  My husband does the books at our house. He is an awesome money manager. He insists if it takes the entire month of January for me to recover, and that means only working part time, he will find a way to make it work.  In essence, I can work from 8-12 and eat bon bons til he gets home and its okay.  Well, that may be extreme.  The only real expectation would be to get myself to and from work, and of course pay my personal bills.  Why can’t I just accept that offer?  It really allows me to ensure success on all fronts.

My perfectionism pounces on that line of thinking.  I can’t be doing a good job at only half time. I am needed in the late afternoons (umm…typically, not really).  Here is an opportunity to let go of what was with grace.  I am not the same worker I used to be.  I can’t remember things, my focus, concentration and processing skills are much slower. They just are.  I’m still somewhat quick witted in the humor department.  But, if you are going to tell me something and I need to remember it, I must write it down on a piece of paper.  I literally will lose information between my supervisor’s office and mine..all of 10 feet.

So, by wanting to rewrite my doctor’s plan am I “having faith in what will be?” This is always the hard part for me..walking in faith.  I don’t think I’m a control freak.  I can admit I do have anxiety over what’s going to happen next. For example, sometimes during a weekend or vacation, first thing in the morning I will ask my husband to break down the day for me.  I THINK I do this in an effort to see what he has in mind, maybe something I didn’t know about, and to calculate the hours.  That sounds so crazy. Let’s see, I like to know how the plans in my head jive with the plans in his head.  This way I know how much of a window I have to workout, play on the computer, shower..etc. I hope that makes a little sense.  This doesn’t mean I can’t go with the flow. My preference is to know where I stand in terms of planning the day.

Hmmmm…walking in faith feels much bigger than a day.  I can get all wrapped up in this stuff.  Its like stringy confetti and I just get entangled.  Probably when I don’t need to.  Maybe I can relate this in terms of friendships.  I tend to stay disconnected and long for connection.  I thought about sending an email to a girlfriend I have letting her know I plan to try harder to keep a connection going. But, then I worried about hurt & rejection. Maybe its better to play it safe and just wait for her to call me.  Now, wouldn’t walking in faith be just putting my intention out there by calling more often and planning get togethers more often. Doing the actual work and seeing what the outcome is.  The caveat being having no expectations of that outcome. Oh boy, another doozy.

Quite the rambler I seem to be today. If you are still with me, and you understand any of it, bless you. I could just try to stay in today and see how that goes. I think I need to keep things simpler.  I try to take a look at myself and then just feel bombarded. I can’t separate things out on my own, at least not yet. I can get myself worked up even in the best of intentions.  For now, I am just going to breathe and just be.

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