I would like a friend who also has bipolar disorder in the real world. I have such a hard time figuring things out. I am always wondering if what I think or feel is akin to other bipolar folks. I question whether some of my responses to things makes sense from a bipolar perspective. In short, has my friend ever felt or thought the same crazy shit I do? Oh, would that be so darn helpful. I’m imagining it would help to ease my mind (sometimes).
The other thing I would like (I know Christmas has passed) is for a positive shift in my mood to last more than 4-5 days at a time. It feels like forever and always I am good..then too good for a day or so, then crash. Now on the spectrum of my disorder this is moderate. But, I’d like a continuum of good days..you know a nice long stretch. Yet, that just doesn’t seem to happen. Already this week I have cried my way to work. Yesterday I was on the way to an appointment which was an hour away and the tears were just flowing like a faucet. The agitation and anger is enormous. I don’t want anyone to talk to me, look at me or pretend to look at me. This includes my husband. I don’t want to hold his hand, tell him I love him or have him drape over me as we sleep. I need everyone to back the F up. Why? Why? Why?
I have no answers. I really don’t have much to do at work, I know that will change. I have “free time” in the afternoon. If I think about it, I am left alone much of the day. My phone doesn’t ring. I don’t make any plans, because I have no one to make plans with everyone is at work. Nevermind the fact I really don’t have any friends.
This arena, friendship, has become such a source of contention with me. I find it sad really. I have a girlfriend, who is also friends with my husband. I knew her from work back in the day, and then she was in the circle of friends I had in my late 20’S. She lives over where my husband works. So periodically they get together. WITHOUT ME. Is what I hear in my head. My husband knows I am struggling to put myself out there more with her, actually call her, let her in my world a little more. Here’s the thing, I can’t expect him to say no to her because of me. I can’t expect him to suggest, hey why don’t you call the fanatic and go for a hike. I need to do these things on my own. But, here I sit with jealousy running through my veins. I am convinced she likes him more than me. Tomorrow my husband is going to a going away party for an old coworker that is quitting his old agency. Then he is going to a nice bar that has free live music with another old coworker whom I like very much. Good for my husband, right. Getting himself out there. Look at him go.
Tears just stream down my face as I write this because I feel like I have lost that ability. I feel like bipolar disorder has stolen my sense of self, my self confidence, my ability to trust things as they are. I don’t know how I fit into the world anymore. Rather, I don’t think I do. I don’t belong in any social circle. I don’t know how to be friends with people anymore. I retreat, I isolate, I fall off the face of the earth too often for most people. Then there is my evil mind reinforcing all this. I’m no good. I’m no fun. Blah blah blah.
I have got to find a way to get some power back. I have to believe in myself. I have to believe people want to be around me. I can’t wait around like a wall flower with my shades drawn and expect the world to come knocking. I’ve got to get up and out. When I was hypomanic on Monday I was talking to everyone. Smiling so big. Laughing so loud. Cracking funny jokes. I couldn’t wait for my husband to come home because I had so much to say. I had done so much during the day. I felt good. How can I harness some of that? Smile on my face, hi how ya doing kind of attitude. Drop all this garbage I carry around.
Sometimes I think it isn’t easy to be a human being, much less one with bipolar disorder. I trudge through this life as best I can. Some days I just get down. I want things to be better. I don’t want to be satisfied with what is. Sitting on the couch feeling sorry for myself doesn’t get me anywhere. I just don’t know how to start. How do I start living my life in a new way? How do I let the wall down and explore?