Just a Glimpse

My world has been severed at the deepest intersection I know.  The connection broken at the most fragile part of me: my heart. Shattered. The pieces fall about me one by one. It was a slow desecration of the magic we created. The back pocket I often tucked you in was tearing, unbeknownst to me.  The interwoven dance of our souls seemed to be slowing down. Touch. Intimate touch was no longer present. It was as if my hand just reached through yours. No more holding on.  Soon only blankets were keeping me warm.  I retreated into myself. Believing it has finally come true. I am too much for you. The internal emotional chaos bleeds into the external often times for only you to see. You bare witness to my very essence wilting and decaying, afraid to stay and afraid to go.  Sacred space that allowed for a special kind of love inching smaller.  My wall that you brought down resurrected on fear. Impulse. Necessity. Such a small house yet the division ever apparent.  I steal looks at you hoping to feel you. Hoping to understand where I went wrong.  I try to speak but words fall silent, die on my lips. What’s to say but Wreckage. Selfishness. Lost in a bipolar world so cruel. Held captive. Beaten. No longer myself. It’s not a stretch to say I am no longer the bright eyed, vibrant, confident girl you fell in love with.  The outer shell may project glimpses, but inside the truth is known.  I’ve fallen from grace.  No amount of forgiveness and acceptance can bring her back.  It’s not lost on me how much you hurt. I have yet to tame the beast within me.  I secretly fear the day the door swings wide. I’d beg you to stay, promise of change. But, those would be lies.  I don’t know who I’ll be from day to day.  The confusion rings true for me and I know for you.  Just know that every ounce of me that can loves you tremendously.

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