You will never guess what day it is!

Today is my birthday. If you know me at all, you know I would never declare such a thing in public. Attention is not my thing.  But, I did something today I don’t normally do. I don’t seem to know how to do. SELF CARE.  I took the day just for me. Not only that, but I made a plan and stuck to it. I didn’t allow guilt or shame or baggage get in the way.  Racing thoughts tried to take over on the hiking trail, but I took deep breaths and inhaled the trees.  I danced on the clouds. Tasted the sunshine through my beaming smile. I fancied the mustard in bloom.  I forged ahead. I stopped. Whatever I needed to do to stay present. It’s so damn hard for me to be in the present moment.
The swirl of coffee tasted ever so good through my straw. I sat basking in the warmth of my Pisces sun.  Cars bustling. People wrestling with their phones.  Streetlights flashing.  A quiet piece of me just watches. No agenda. My feet resting in this place for now. Practicing being okay alone.  Being okay being me.
As I lay almost naked on the massage table demons crawled in the corner trying to lure me in.  Past wreckage of bipolar episodes came slamming through my mind.  Tears hang on my eyelashes.  The air is thinning.  The therapist put his hands on me and I awoke from the trance. Breathing once again. Pushing. Begging. Demanding the present moment swallow me and allow life to happen. Be in the now.  The oil slathers and I try to let go.
The candle on my birthday cake flickers as I close my eyes and make my wish.  Do I wish I didn’t have bipolar disorder. Sure.  But that’s not my reality. I wish to be more at peace with the fact that I do have bipolar disorder.  More at peace with the rapid cycling chaos that could crash the party at any time.  As the clock turns and the day ends, I can proudly say my day of self care was a wild success!!

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