I don’t think I can do this anymore

i am a patient person in most regards.  I am in the social service field and worked w some very challenging folks that would far exceed the patience of many. Beauracracy gets in my way often, but I can wait fairly easily.  When it comes to myself I have no patience or tolerance.  That’s dramatic. Let’s say I have far less. Bipolar seems to test me everyday.  Someone asked me if I was in a mixed episode? Truth is I don’t know. And if that is the case, what do I do about it?  What’s the difference between mixed and rapid cycling?

yesterday I was slammed at work. Intense somewhat contention phone call at 11, then meetings at 1 & 3.  Sometimes this is too much for me and other times I could go all night.  I was blurting things out in meetings I shouldn’t have, butting into people’s conversations, giddy in the hallway. After work I went to the store and bought binge food. Something I haven’t done in YEARS. After I stuffed my face, I started prepping for dinner, folding laundry and turning over my garden virtually at the same time.  Oblivious. I cranked the radio and danced in the kitchen tracking mud from the garden.

Once I sat down around 7pm. The ringing n my ears was so loud. I burst into tears. Felt so alone and so incapable of handling life.  I tried to close my eyes but could not. I took out the recycling. As my husbands beer bottles clanked into the bin and broke, I thought about cutting.  Again something I haven’t even thought of in YEARS.  I walked away.

My husband arrived home about 7:30 and I was on the couch exhausted.  I feel all over the place, yet productive, yet out of control and on edge.  But really, I just don’t want to keep living this way.




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