I am feeling a bit lost right now. I have a full time job which gives me structure and accountability. Plus it can be a social environment which I am sorely lacking. Our office is moving and there has been delay after delay. Today marks two weeks working from home. I can’t get out of bed. I can’t produce. Yesterday I could barely function. I went to my local coffee shop for a change of scene but felt completely overwhelmed. Sitting outside I could hear the overhead radio, birds chirping, cars honked no and people chatting at such a high pace and volume I think I shut down. I stared down at my paperwork but could not process. Didn’t know where to start, how to start, or what to even look for. I sat frozen for almost an hour.
Im still contending w symptoms of feeling detached. Disconnected. Separate. My dear boss, who has been amazingly supportive of me and my issues, has left the job. She and I had a deal of sorts. I could contact her in the morning before work and request to work from home if I was having an emotional day that didn’t lend itself to being in the office. There were days I forced myself into the office w tear stained eyes and she would send me home to work. I now have a new boss, who was actually my officemate. I never disclosed to her I am bipolar. Something held me back, don’t know why. But now I feel like I need to be transparent w her too. I’m hoping we can strike the same deal. I am nervous. For some reason I don’t feel as safe. I’m feeling terribly vulnerable.
For the bigger picture I believe it’s the right thing to do. I miss several days of work. Right now, she sees me as having a strong work ethic. When I’m not there she doesn’t know I may be cowering in the corner of my room, or crying on the bathroom floor, or hearing voices telling me it’s time to go. She thinks I’m at home churning out good work. She respects me. To have her support is paramount to me continuing to produce good quality work when I can. Knowing she understands sometimes I just can’t and it’s not because I don’t want to, will bring me a sense of relief. But, of course I don’t know if that is how she will react or not. The reality is she is not my old boss and she may have different views and standards and expectations.
I better stop now as I can feel myself flooded with anxiety as I write those words. It’s scary to put yourself out there in a professional environment. Did you have to do it?? Do you have any helpful tips to share?