I don’t know what to tell you

Bipolar disorder is tricky.  I had a good nights sleep. I was well prepared for my first appointment. I made breakfast. The sun was shining.   Somewhere on my 25 minute drive I began crying.  I don’t remember thinking about anything. I don’t remember feeling anxious. I just remember tears streaming down my face. I swear I have no understanding why.

I made it through the appointment, but not without some stumbles. I wasn’t able to give direction to my vendor very clearly.  It showed in the email he sent back-incorrectly done. However, it’s all fixable.

i was just fighting back tears ever since the car ride. I sit in a cubicle in a wide open room where there is no where to hide. I run to the bathroom but it’s full of women. I sat in the farthest corner of the courtyard sunglasses on, but someone came by.  The more I had to force them away the heavier they were. Then the flash flood.  As quickly, yet slowly, as I could I packed up my work bag. My back to most of my coworkers I walked out. In my car I just let loose. Why is this happening? I don’t even feel able to think much less ruminate.

My husband just kept repeating you said you slept well.  And I did. Symptoms don’t disappear due to good sleep. There isn’t always a reason!!  I want to yell. It often doesn’t make sense!! All I can do is let the tears fall. I could search for a reason, but why? It’s bipolar disorder.


3 thoughts on “I don’t know what to tell you

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