In Sickness and in Health

I am caught in a viscous thinking pattern. I’ve kept my husband up late w night terrors, anxiety attacks and tears. I’ve threatened suicide in the past and been hospitalized several times for my safety. I sometimes hear voices telling me I don’t belong here or the time is now!
I feel like he is better off without me. He knew I had issues, but didn’t really sign up for THIS. He too lives on the edge wondering if I’m okay. There are nights, several nights, I just don’t move off the couch. Meanwhile he paces the house eager to be out and about. It doesn’t seem fair to him. I feel like I’m holding him back or ruin g his life. I know he loves me. I love him so very much. But our love cannot conquer my demons.
I had a terrible dream last night where I was carrying out steps to end my life. Went as far as writing a note to my husband. I woke in the middle of the night and her voices outside repeating the time is now. I stared out that window and listened to those voices for far too long.
How do I break this loop? How do I believe in myself and the fact that I’m still a good person despite my symptoms?

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2 thoughts on “In Sickness and in Health

  1. It isn’t easy… 😕 I try to make lists of the qualities in myself that I find positive and then try to find examples to back them up. I also do the same with the negative thoughts that I have but I try to find evidence that disputes what I believe. Once I have written it all down, it seems to help a bit. Sometimes it just takes a bit of a tweak in the way you think and see yourself and those you care about and that care about you. It isn’t easy, but it might be worth a try…

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