It’s been a long road

I am 42 years old and stuck on the longest road. There have been a few breaks and reprieves, but mostly, lately, it just sucks. I was diagnosed w major depression in 2007 while I was trying to get sober. In 2013 after a series of hospitalizations I was diagnosed w bipolar disorder. Just yesterday, 2016, I was diagnosed w schizoaffective disorder. I’ve been through about 20 different medications, my hair has fallen out and I got a painfully itchy rash.
I, at times, am plagued by voices and hallucinations. Believe the devil is coming to kill me. Burst out of bed thinking I am on fire, smelling my own flesh burning. Can’t sleep. Sleep to much. Overly motivated and creative. Am a zombie on the couch.
I have a full time job, but periodically I have to take time off. This is one of those times. I cannot explain the guilt I feel missing work and the extra work it’s causing others. I try to keep a lid on my symptoms but there comes a point they are too much to manage by myself. I have to seek extra treatment.
Having a new diagnosis to swallow and “accept” is challenging. It is just lately I have told maybe up to 5 people I had bipolar disorder. I am so scared no one will even know what schizoaffective dx is. To explain it gives out such personal information in itself. I don’t understand what to expect with this label. Before, when I experienced hallucinations it was cause for concern. Now it seems like it’s almost expected as they can come outside of a mood episode. Am I now just supposed to live side by side with what can be violent satanic voices and delusions. In essence there is nothing anyone can do? I already take meds to “treat” it. But the voices and visuals still come.
I feel like I’m letting myself go. I’m just a drifter on my long road. No direction. No purpose. Barely able to get out of bed in the morning. No exercise. No connection. Just blowing in the wind. I stay within the four corners of my house and clean. Then I’m resentful all I can seem to do is straighten up our house a little every day. I used to be so much more. Sometimes I hear static, very loud disjointed static, in my mind and I must wear headphones to drown it out. It makes me dizzy. Sometimes the voices suggest suicide.
I guess I could allow sadness to engulf me as I would never want my life to turn out this way. I am starting to wonder if full time work is too much pressure, too stressful. It’s all I’ve ever known since I was 18. Of course admitting these things, as a perfectionist takes a bat to my ego. All I hear is I need to get back out there. Shine my shoes and carry on. It’s especially tough determining when you should go back after a break. This week, because I have several important meetings, or next week because I’ll hopefully feel that much better? I constantly feel like I am letting people down. My boss, coworkers, vendors and esp my husband the longer I stay out.
I’m not always sick, but when I am it’s usually pretty bad. Combine this w a new diagnosis and I feel even more lost. When the bigger picture is too much I am left w breaking it down. For the next 20 minutes I’ll focus on writing and drinking coffee. And in the next…? I’ll wait and see.

2 thoughts on “It’s been a long road

  1. My daughter was just recently diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. She is a little scared about it, and I think she gets overwhelmed by it sometimes. I’m struggling with what to say or do to help, especially when she rejects my every attempt to help. I can’t let her give up.

    I hope you can find the right combination of treatment. It seems like your work is very important to you, so I hope you can find a balance between that and taking care of yourself.


  2. I love your comment about not letting your daughter give up. She is lucky to have you. It is a bit scary. While it may feel like rejection, just having you care must mean so much to her. I’m hanging on, doing the best I can. Thanks for your encouragement.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s