Where is the Welcome Mat?

I hear them laughing
Whispering
connecting
Sharing
It could be stories
Secrets
Dreams
Fears
Where once I felt
I belonged
Could take part
Mattered
Now
So far removed
Alone
Broken
Unworthy
They carry on
Without me

I have been feeling this overwhelmingly painful sense of loneliness. Like the veil of darkness has wrapped itself around me so tight I cannot see the love or the light in my life. I don’t believe its actually there, but others tell me it is. Yesterday was a perfect metaphor for how I’m feeling. I was at a work event, more like a fair, when vendors have booths showcasing the accomplishments of their agency. As i walked around and saw comrarderie among people, laughing, touching, w genuine like for one another, it struck me I no longer have that. I’m the girl who gets asked to take the group photo. I’m on the outside capturing memories for others. I’m not in the memories, in the circle of laughter, in the circle at all. I am the lone aloof individual on the outside. So unsure of myself. I just feel unwelcome in this world right now. Its only getting darker.

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2 thoughts on “Where is the Welcome Mat?

  1. I’ve had the same feeling so many times before: hopelessly and painfully alone in a group of work associates, or friends, or even family. I want to be able to join the fun and be like other people, but then I realize I’m just not wired that way. I’m afraid they are being fake-friendly to me, or they will discover what a fraud I am, and the party will continue without me. I tell myself I’m okay with being lonely, but deep down I know it’s not true. In other words, I’m pretty fucked-up emotionally, even when I’m not in a bipolar mood swing.

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    • Thank you for reading and even more for understanding fishrobber. I think I do the same thing by telling myself I don’t need anyone anyway. But really, I do! Emotions are tricky, esp in and out of mood swings. I know for me, it can be hard to trust myself, and in turn others. If I may say..don’t be so hard on yourself. Navigating through life isn’t always easy.

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