Medication Chronicles

I want so badly not to need medication. I play with fire and just slowly stop taking them. I’m not convinced they are truly making a difference. I arbitrarily take my lithium here and there and there are other times I have been in compliance for 6 months straight. No difference. Mood swings all over the place. Intense anxiety. Deep depression. Suicidal ideation. Mania. Doesn’t matter. My closest attempt occurred when I was taking 3 medications religiously.
I worry about my thyroid, my liver. I’ve had almost all my hair fall out and a dangerous rash. One med made me so restless and agitated I had to stop taking it. My doctor is convinced lithium is working because I’m still here. Is that the marker for success? I can be suffering non stop, but as long as I don’t jump its all good. That’s no quality of life. I wholeheartedly disagree. But, I’m running out of options. I’ve tried all the med combos, even including an antidepressant w my mood stabilizer.
I don’t know. I seem to be “okay” not taking meds right now. I do still take trazadone because I absolutely cannot sleep on my own. I worry I’m dependent on it, but without sleep I become more vulnerable to symptoms. This dance isn’t very comfortable. I tend to want to be the lead. The voice in my head tells me I may need meds but they don’t truly help me. They poison me. Maybe my body and mind are treatment resistant.
I open the small cabinet that houses my medication shelf each night. I stare in. Blue bottle tops blur together. I’m not necessarily overwhelmed as I am sad.

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