One Day At a Time

I finally feel like I’m back on solid ground. I had a medical scare on Monday night, which prompted an emergency doctor’s appointment. I had an EKG, chest X-ray and probably a 15 panel blood draw. In addition I have to wear a device that is essentially a 24 HR EKG that records my heart and then a doctor can read the data. On top of this my lithium level was at 1.6. I was nauseous, vomiting, lightheaded, and disoriented for 2 days.
I’m not used to my physical health being in question. Usually, just my mental health. Its scary! My mind was quickly and easily convinced I was dying. My heart was damaged, I just knew it. I’ve spent days in the last 6 months plotting my own demise. I’ve written a suicide note, moved money from one account to another for my husband to access, and made amends where needed. I had reached a pretty resolute place. Then as it seems to do, my mood changed. But, seems to me I was in “control” of whether I stayed or if I go.
However, this week as I sat helpless waiting to hear about my test results, not feeling well or like myself, I realized (once again) I have very little power over most things. My test results trickled in and for the most part were negative. There are a few red flags I have to follow up on. I’m just going to breathe and take it one day at a time.

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