Should I just cut My Losses

Clutching the pillow tightly and wiping away tears w my sleeve, I sat on my therapists couch revealing I am contemplating suicide. I have two solid plans. They are the same plans I have had for a few years. One plan I “practiced” in the past. I don’t want to fail. I need to be sure it will work. My previous full blown attempt landed me in the emergency room for over 24 hours hooked up to monitors and IV’s. FAILURE. After the psych hospital I went to the Intensive Outpatient Program for several weeks. I was angry. Truly angry I was still alive. That was a few years ago.
I was crying insisting if I took my life over the past week while my husband was out of town, only he would only know cuz I would not answer the numerous texts and phone calls throughout the day. As I laid in bed for the 4th day I believed no one cared and I wouldn’t really be missed. Very few know of my diagnosis and I tend not to let them in anyway. No loss.
I awaited the question: what kept you from following through? I think partly lack of energy, but mostly I didn’t want my husband, who was 3000 miles away, to have figure out how to handle the situation. Plus, he was already immersed in stress with his ailing mother. I couldn’t do it to him, not like this. I have to wonder would it be better for him if it happened while at work. A mere 40 miles away? Of course not. I absolutely do not want to hurt my husband near or far. But somehow the thought of the distance made some sort of difference.
So, as any mood disordered brain might, It focused on how to proceed once he returned. Which is now. It saddens me that I am thrilled about his return, but my broken spirit keeps me from showing it. Shrouded in guilt always. Guilty I wasn’t being honest while he was away as I didn’t want to cause him extra stress. Guilty that he is home and I probably appear like I don’t care. Once again that voice inside, and sometimes outside, is on auto repeat…burden, you don’t belong here. And still another voice baits me and tells me if I take time for myself I am letting my job down, burdening my coworkers w my undone projects. I am so conflicted. Ultimately I just want to be done.
The plan my therapist and I made was that I would call IOP and ask to come in on Monday. I requested they help me assess where I’m at, what I need. Should I push through and go to work. Should I be proactive and get some more intensive help. Should I cut my losses and end the burden.

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5 thoughts on “Should I just cut My Losses

  1. Sweetheart you need to go Monday and get the care you need, don’t worry about work. You are so much more important than any work project. I hope you will talk with your husband and let him know how you are really feeling, I know he loves you and will be there for you. Please take care of you, I will be praying for you to feel the love everyone has for you. I’m sending hugs and my support if you need me, I’m here.

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  2. I have felt that way a lot in the last year, except that my husband is dead now so I have no reason not to go through… (I am ridiculously afraid of “surviving”, which is what is keeping me alive!). I wish I could be so honest with my therapist… good for you for being honest with yours and getting help (and accepting it) when you need it…

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    • So sorry to hear about your husband. I so get that fear of “surviving!” It’s taken me a while to be able to speak of plans to my therapist. Only behind confidential doors. I can’t utter the words to anyone else. I can’t pick up the phone when I need to. I guess she is a good start though. Thanks for stopping by. I hope you can reach out soon.

      Liked by 1 person

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