I Am Out of Ideas

On days like these I don’t know what to do.  Noise is too much.  I mean the lowest setting on the ceiling fan in the next room is too much.  The light is too much. I mean the alarm clock in the farthest corner of the room is too much.  I am sooo cold. But my head. My mind is burning up. I put my cold hands to my forehead over and over for relief. But none comes. I close all the shades. Put on noise cancelling headphones. Sit. Breathe in and out to a count of five.  But I can’t sit. I can’t breathe.

So I pace.  But I’m so tired. Yet, so agitated and restless. I send a desperate text as the tears  begin to fall.  I don’t know what to do.  Terrible discomfort. I want to fall into bed.  Escape with sleep.  Rest.  But I cannot. Neither my body nor my mind can fend off this intense desire to jump out of my skin or through a window.

I bounce around the room from couch, to kitchen stool, to the floor and back round again. Massage my neck.  Put on loose clothing. Wrap myself in a blanket.  I tried the ice in a bowl.  Taking notice of my senses.  Drinking hot tea.  I am out of ideas.

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