Let me apologize in advance

I am wrestling with myself. So agitated. Every noise and every light grating on me. Every email I read sets off rage. I hate everyone. In the next moment I am cowering in the bathroom crying. Uncomfortable. Disgruntled. But then just overwhelmed and sad.  A lovely mixed episode according to my doc. What did I do to deserve this?

I think this started last night. I was wanting to peel my skin off out of disgust. I have just let myself go. Any semblance of a workout routine gone.  I used to be so fit and dedicated. Now I’m a sloth.  I curse myself, but do nothing about it. I set my alarm last night to exercise this morning before work. I got my out of shape butt on the treadmill by 6 am.

In addition, I am having trouble w my supervisor at work. I’m trying to get a new job. The environment is making me unhealthy.  I’m frustrated and confused about her responses to me.  I came home upset last night and as a result could not sleep. My mind was in overdrive and I began obsessing.  Catastrophizing. Creating immense anxiety. Then my mind was scripting interactions and exactly what I should say, what they would say…on and on. Agonizing.  I had to take an additional medication to make it stop.

This post is nothing but a rant. No substance. Sorry.  I have nowhere else to go!! well except the bathroom to cry some more. Pitiful!

 

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2 thoughts on “Let me apologize in advance

  1. You don’t need to apologize for ranting – it’s your blog to do with as you choose. … Mixed moods are a bitch, I hope it passes soon. … “my mind was scripting interactions” – fuck, I do this constantly; trying to figure out social protocol is so exhausting for me.

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  2. Fishrobber-thank you for your comment. My mind was its own w these obsessions. No amount of breathing was stopping it. I know it’s okay to rant and am a proponent of ranting. I guess I was frustrated in am in this spot right now. Thanks for your support!!

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