And then there was ONE

Today it’s too hard to navigate my marriage, my job, my cat, my house, my bills, and bipolar disorder. Thoughts flash: run! End it! Just cry it out! I start to plan all those things-pack a bag, grab all my medication & head to the bridge, snot all over myself. All this planning started from under the covers well past the time I was supposed to be at work. As I begged for continuous sleep far into the day, I found myself on the couch too soon. I have so many bottles of medication I haven’t taken. Kept promising myself I would turn them into my therapist or my psychiatrist, but secretly wanting the option for days like this.
My marriage is vulnerable right now. I’ve become too much. I no longer enhance this relationship. The words my husband is using today are sharp. Truth behind his pain. Pushed up against the wall he spouts them. Not to hurt me necessarily, but release himself. The burden that I am is heavy. He is strong. Maybe too strong for 18 years. He often tells me that I have no idea how all these episodes of depression, mania, suicide attempts, battles w the bottle affect him. Truly tear at him. Not only because it hurts to see a loved one in pain, but the insurmountable amount of powerlessness that follows for him. Sometimes feeling betrayed as I reach for the liquid courage instead of him. Sometimes confused why I fall into the dark abyss with no warning. Sometimes because emotions are simply too damn hard.
Its funny because on the inside I am proud of myself when I can be “normal” what I think of as a good wife. I wonder if he notices I’m doing well. I just keep on showing him, at least in my mind, how I’m trying to rise. But, its that day my smile isn’t as big. My silence is stronger. My demeanor changed that he notices. Yesterday he asked if I was feel down. At first I denied it and said I was just tired. After all we had a great start to the weekend. He asked me again a little while later and I decided to shake my head yes. His response reminds me how hard the roller coaster is from any seat. He said we will cancel plans for tomorrow because he doesn’t want to get me “started.” Tears. Instant tears. Started? Does this mean he truly doesn’t get me?
As the sun sparkled I went back to bed under the guise of a headache. Physical pain is easier to accept and has a cure in ibuprofen. I laid me down to sleep to escape. Escape disappointment. Escape depression. Escape having to perform.
The evening didn’t end so well. More truth hit the fan and sent daggers around the room. I yelled. He tried to ask me not to yell and I yelled more. Poor poor communication and coping skills. This is not the picture of a good wife. I excused myself back to bed at 7:45 pm hurt feelings in tow.
I think the trigger to all this is loneliness. I have no support system.i have no friends. More truth to pierce my soul. And where am I now? Alone on my couch in the middle of a Tuesday when I should be at work. It fills the room and I cannot breathe. But dammit I will not cancel those plans. Red eyed. Tired. Full of self hatred. I will smile and carry on.
I feel like I am a party of one dancing around the bigger party. I don’t know how to get in. Do I deserve to be in? Can I, we, lay the burden down?

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6 thoughts on “And then there was ONE

  1. Hi sweetie! I am sending you hugs and want you to know you aren’t alone here! We all feel the same way you do, but we dance with you on the fringes of the party and I enjoy your company!💟 Oh I don’t know if you know I have a new blog, swanyriver! I don’t get on this old iPad much it doesn’t work all the time.

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  2. I can understand the feelings you write about, because I have put my wife through a lot of shit over the years. Thankfully she stayed with me, she bent but didn’t break. I felt like my marriage was vulnerable, but because of her it was okay. When I was at my worst, I had feelings of wanting to leave her to save her from me, but I’m glad I didn’t follow through with that. … The problem with men is they want to fix things. I’m generalizing of course, but I know I get temporarily frustrated when there is a problem I can’t solve (like my daughter’s mental illness for example). You husband loves you the same tomorrow as he did today, but he may never fully understand your illness, and sometimes that frustration shows through. … I hope you both feel better.

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    • Thank you fishrobber for sharing that. I have those same feelings…I should leave and spare him. I don’t think I can ever truly understNd what it feels like to be in his shoes either. Bipolar disorder and relationships can be tough.

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      • I don’t mean to suggest that leaving him is a good idea, I think the opposite is true. I just meant that I had those thoughts, and I’m glad I didn’t push my wife away. She has been caring and supportive despite the ups and downs. It sounds like your husband is the same way.

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