Depression has found its way into my veins, sucking me dry of energy, desire and any level of care about anything. Seems it was seeping as I was avoiding the reality of its claws. I showed up at work, though stared through my computer screen without a wink. I stood at the kitchen sink cutting vegetables envisioning the knife slicing my wrist..also without a wink. Drove my car day to day without memory of where I started or half interested in where I was going. Just driving I guess.
All the while I keep up that disguise. The armor of strength that is seen on the outside. The business smile that carries me through. Until it doesn’t. The bottle then becomes my answer. Some juice to fuel this tired almost dead body and mind. At first it does just that. Allows bigger smiles, a bit of a laugh, a step out the door. But only that lasts so long. Soon, again, I’m at the bottom of the pit. No smiles, energy, gumption or desire. Sleep is my only quest. But my heart beats so fast and so hard my eyes cannot close. My world begins to spin. Relief is not found. Thoughts maybe death is a better option begin to emerge. How can I easily make this happen?
I suppose it can’t or won’t be easy. Im rather tired anyway. But, those thoughts aren’t going away. The creeper of depression is in full force. It has barged its way in. At first I fought. I fought hard. But now, I’m almost at surrender. For today I hope to sleep. No more fighting . Hoping for a long moment of peace.