Trapped in this Madness

I want to exert control. Be in control. But I’m not. I’m caught up in this mixed manic episode for a month now. I flew into a rage so powerful and so disgusting I don’t even know who I am. How do I know what is me and what is the illness?
I am having flashes of my behavior and it is appalling. I am ashamed to have treated my husband that way. I have no excuse. It literally felt like a switch went off in my brain. One minute I was cutting vegetables and the next I was yelling and screaming. I don’t even know about what. Just lost my mind. It went on for a few hours.
Finally exhausted and crying hysterically I sat on the couch in bewilderment. What just happened? I can’t explain it because I don’t understand it. But it was enough for my husband to lose his patience w me. He was very upset, for good reason. And what did I do? Make fun of him. It truly feels like my worst self. I hope to god there is nothing worse than who I was 2 nights ago.
I was full of shame yesterday and apologized. Took responsibility for my words and actions. It was incredibly sincere regardless that I couldn’t remember all of it. Particularly how or why it started. He forgives me and asks me to move forward. Keep putting one foot in front of the other to get well.
I don’t know what I would do without him. I feel like I’m trapped in this madness trying desperately to get out. Recover. Get back to myself.

A Much Needed Walk

I am walking with myself. Alongside myself. Accepting myself. Forgiving myself. A trusted friend believes in the power of a labyrinth.  As each wave of emotion, shame, regret and fear continuously hit me last week, I reached out to said friend.  A walk amongst the cluster of redwoods on a dedicated path where I put one foot in front of the other was needed. A place of release. A place to regain my footing. A place to begin trusting myself again.  A place to move at my own pace in mind, body and breath.

The manic residue was slowly fading away.  I sat with my wonderful friend and recounted every detail.  Let the words fly on the wind. Be absorbed into the soil beneath our feet.  On my solitary walk I envisioned all the negative energy rushing from the top off my head high into the sky. Evaporating in the suns brilliant rays. I chanted I shall be released. I chanted I am full of forgiveness.  Deep cleansing breaths carried me around the maze. I trusted my existence for the first time in several weeks.  I tuned out the chaotic chatter that likes to keep me company focusing on the present moment.  Hearing the crunch of leaves as I stepped left then right.  The cool air under the giant trees was soothing.  Calming.  As the path continued to unfold and I reached the center, I truly felt centered.

I didn’t think about the episode, the people I affected, the guilt…what feels like consequences the rest of the day.  This was no ordinary walk in the woods.  It was a gift.

Self Forgiveness is an Art

Self forgiveness. I understand this concept in a broader context. I don’t get it when having to relate to myself. A week after my destructive manic episode I’m still trying to pick up the pieces. Mostly I’m pissed off. How could I have done the things I did? How could I treat people the way I did? Again, conceptually I know I was sick and not in my right mind. But when bits of memories jolt me I am ashamed. It’s stings so deep. I don’t remember everything that happened. Almost everyday there is a new revelation. A new stinger inserted in my heart. A new shameful discovery.
Yesterday while visiting my primary doctor, he read me the psychiatrist notes from my brief ER stay. I almost lodged a complaint because I believed no pdoc bothered to talk to me. I was sure I could plead my case and avoid hospitalization if given a chance. Turns out I refused to talk to anyone. Stated I was being wrongfully judged based on past events. I was argumentative and agitated. Hospital bound. There was much more in those notes. I am mostly disturbed I have absolutely no recollection of this interaction. Rather at 4:30 am after arriving at midnight I demanded to know when I would speak to the doc. We spoke at 12:30am. So scary!
This whole disaster plays out in my mind..what I can remember of it. It’s hard for me to reconcile just how out there I really was. I can’t seem to forgive myself..for the phone calls, the worry I caused, my aggressive behavior & demeanor.
I’m supposed to start a new job on 4/18. I just don’t think I’m ready. My memory and recall is so extremely poor. Processing. Decision making. Forget it. I had to send a request to move my start date. I am so embarrassed and disappointed. Why did this have to happen? I don’t know how my future employer is going to respond.
The only way out is self forgiveness. I can’t even begin to know where to start. I try to breathe, but that’s a struggle. I guess I don’t know what self forgiveness truly is.

Silent Suffering

Silent suffering
I walk through the motions
I smile when it seems appropriate
Yet, i feel nothing
The atmosphere in my mind is complete chaos
Voices yelling
Critics in an uproar
Yet, i walk softly
Slow and soft
No footprints can be seen
I don’t feel like i exist
Perhaps I’m just a ghost roaming about
I watched my feet walk a labyrinth today
Weaving in and out of the stone path
Unstructured structure
Wandering but not lost
An entrance and an exit
Leading me not to salvation
But reminders to breathe
Each conscious step
Filling my lungs
Not of expectation
But forgiveness and grace

We are Not So Different

Bully
Call out
I know your name
Your secret
Your shame
I sense your fear
Feel your rage
Your laughter is a cover
Your violence the stage
Incredibly hard to carry
Your wicked hate
The dark chasm of your mind
The ceaseless beating
From your own thoughts
Your skin is too tight
No room to breathe
We are not so different
You and me
The wrath of the darkness
Follows me too
The echo chamber of insults
Throws daggers my way
Blood red impressions
Left on the walls
As I crawl across the room
You see the demon also
Knows my name
Has me knee deep in the game
Of cruelty and dare
The one defining difference
Is I am my own victim
But a bully just the same
Can we lay down our arms
Call a truce of sorts
I’ll own my transgressions
Against self
You forgive the past
That led you here
Masks set aside
As real as it gets
I dare you to honor yourself
If only for a day
Take heed in compassion
That’s bound to come your way
In the mirror I stare
With new vision
Hope and regret will always
Remain in collision
But we can be the victor
And rise above
Set sail on a new journey
Of self love
Role of the bully
Firmly cast aside
No longer needing to hide
Stepping out in bold fashion
No longer held captive
No more a slave
To our broken mind
As you stand
Call out
I’ll listen for your name