Darkest of Caverns

My broken and narrow view
Keeps me perched
Perhaps trapped
In the darkest of caverns
My mind can house
Shadows crowd along
These walls of discomfort
Egregious chants
Start as a whisper
Only to ricochet
And echo
Through the cold stark
Of both
Conscious and unconscious


Do labels help or hinder

I’m really struggling. I’ve been feeling immense agitation and anger. I am not a mean person by any regards. Truthfully I don’t really know how to be mean.  It’s just not in me.  Now, get some alcohol in this alcoholic and its Jekyll and Hyde. But I digress.

Yesterday I was so full of hate. Evil darkness had taken over my body and mind. I could literally feel it. A violent rumbling storm reverberating through my insides. I was being bombarded with intrusive thoughts of harming other people. Visions of these violent acts were parading before my eyes. My fists clenched. Just Angry!! This is not an emotion I handle well.  I was never really taught how to handle many emotions in my younger days.

I am diagnosed bipolar I w psychotic features. Have been since May 2013. My psychiatrist deftly slipped in the diagnosis of Generalized Anxiety Disorder in an email after I was questioning some of my reactions/behavior. I haven’t agreed w her in regards to the anxiety being anything but a symptom of my BP.  I misunderstood all of what anxiety entails. It’s much bigger than I ever knew. For me, I mostly experienced it as physical symptoms such as “butterflies” in my stomach or full on panic attacks. These feelings didn’t happen all that often. But, what was happening was obsessing over scenarios past and present.

For example the morning of my evening therapy appointment began a furry of thoughts on what I should talk about, what I shouldn’t, in what order, how I was going to say it..so I would script my portion and then assume what her response would be. This would go on all day leading up to the appointment. I would get there and have no idea what to say. I thought these were racing thoughts attributed to bipolar. Now, I’m being told its obsessive thinking related to anxiety. My therapist doesn’t make me nervous! I don’t understand. But it’s what happens.

So, back to my violent thoughts.  My boss, who I love, gave notice. She has been so understanding and flexible with my issues. I felt safe and protected under her watch. If I needed to go home because I couldn’t regulate my emotions that day, she said no problem. On days I forced myself into the office and maybe shouldn’t have, she took notice and kindly & compassionately sent me home. When I had to take a 3 month leave of absence she welcomed me back w a smile, no judgement.  She is a great person and this is a big loss.  When a colleague said something disrespectful about her leaving, I immediately envisioned setting her on fire. Whoa!

Obviously bothered by this, I checked in w my doctor. She said it was anxiety. I thought, why does she keep pushing that on me. No way are violent thoughts associated w anxiety.  Sure enough an Internet search yielded info as such, mostly with folks who have OCD.  I don’t have rituals, but I can admit I have obsessive thinking.

So, I guess I have Bipolar I and General Anxiety Disorder now.  Not sure how I feel about this.  I still don’t think I’ve truly accepted the BIpolar part. I guess it is what it is.