Bipolar is stealing my thunder. The symptoms I am experiencing now have me cowering in fear and then hysterical in tears. I feel like I have no say in the matter, no strength. My tool box is out of reach when these “attacks” as my husband refers to them come a calling. Its not a panic attack per se, but it causes panic. I tend to stop breathing, I get disoriented, my heart beats wildly. It’s the hallucinations first, then panic, then hysteria? I don’t really know what it actually looks like when I am in it. All I know is its painfully scary. I am being terrorized by my own mind.
It is now 5am, I have been up since 3am. I had a night terror/hallucination. I’m not sure of the correct psycho babble label for it. Pretty much I had gone to the bathroom. Then settling in trying to go back to sleep. I think I was almost there when I felt, and I mean FELT, a rope (noose) around my neck and I could not breathe. I was gasping for air. I eeked out the words, please help me in a voice I didn’t recognize. I was thrashing around. My husband immediately woke up, I don’t think anyone could sleep through this. He nearly laid on top of me to calm me down. He reassured me I was safe. No one else was in our bedroom, there was no rope and I am okay.
All I could mutter through pained sobs was, “they are trying to kill me. They are really coming for me. I don’t know what to do”. I could still feel the rope and wondered if there was a burn mark. I wondered how much longer I could endure these “attacks.” I started thinking maybe I should just end it now, rather than wait for whatever is out there trying to get me. I thought about options. I may need to rid myself of the evil that is trying to invade me. The devil has made his wishes known for some time now. That I must die. Better by my design than his.
Meanwhile, my husband was holding my hand or touching my body to let me know he was there. He also has endured. This has been happening since mid October. He has caught me and held me in a fit of emotion in the bathroom, in the kitchen, in our bedroom and in public. His strength is carrying me through. He promises there is no judgement. His love is not wavering. He promises he is not going anywhere. He is here and will always be here no matter what. Lately, it seems he is always standing at the ready. I am forever grateful and feel like a huge burden at the same time.
I’m constantly on edge. Any noise, any noise at all, and my head is at full tilt. Just this morning, the sound of my cats chomping on their food raised my anxiety level. Only because I didn’t think that’s what it sounded like. I didn’t know what it was and that was the problem.
I had hoped to start a new medication today. I have never uttered that sentence in my life. Not a fan of medication. Especially not a fan of those of the antipsychotic persuasion. I hate that I am clinging to the idea that it will save my life. Feeling like its all I have left. I am trying and trying to get better but my mind has its own ideas and they are detrimental. They are damaging my belief in myself.
I stood at the pharmacy counter checking to see if this mighty miracle had arrived. Somehow I knew it hadn’t. They told me the manufacturer is actually out of the medication. They were not able to fulfill the shipment. WHAT? Since when do medications run out? She replied more than I realize. Tears were in the back of my eyes. She said she would like to give me the generic brand, which they do have. However, my doctor has specified it has to be the Brand only in her notes. So, someone has to check with her to see if generic will pass or??? This woman behind the counter promised she would call me by the end of the day with information. All the information I have is that something in the universe is wanting to keep me ill. I must have done something awful along this lifetime and something is trying to kill me. I think it’s the devil. Evil lurks inside me, deep. He is coming to take me home.