I Will Address This w Myself

My new gig is PT…24 hours…3 days a week. I used to work full time, probably more than full time. Its day 3. I’m done with my first week. I have friends who are my new bosses that support me. They set me up with a work area not heavily monitored by the cameras. At least they are not in my face and infiltrating my mind. What a blessing.
I feel quiet and distant. I guess just feeling out my role. I carved out this new position and expectation is high. Perhaps assumptions are high. Though I come to this agency with a lot of knowledge, Its still a new position. Which I think I can fulfill, eventually. Perfectionism casts a wide spell and I am certainly a sucker. I want to impress. I want to succeed. I want to be all things to all people. NOW. But, that gets me into trouble. EVERY! TIME!
So, I am trying really hard to take it slow. Ask foolish questions. Relax. Enjoy the ride.   That’s not easy for me.  I’m a need to know person. Need to know where I fit in. Need to know my role.  Need to know ahead of time what is expected of me.  Those things are not a given at a new job.  I brought my calendar into my supervisor’s office and tried to secure dates and times of things..anything.  I don’t think she is holding out on me. Rather I think she doesn’t know quite what to do with me. How to train me. Guide me.  We are getting to know each other in the process. Which is fun.

I see old habits already forming. Not leaving my desk for lunch. Not going on breaks. Not taking walks. I am aware. I will address this with myself. I will!

More than a good ol College try

I’m trying my hand at art. I hesitate to call it that. Maybe it’s more like I’m trying to explore a creative outlet. I seem to be drawn to collage and mixed media. My loving husband often suggests it’s about the process, not so much the outcome. My perfectionism can get in the way of my enjoyment of things. I’m practicing letting go. Anything I’m doing, and I mean anything…laundry, washing my face, remembering medication, attempt at creativity..is more than I was doing pre-hospital.
I return to work tomorrow after 3 weeks off at one of the busiest times. I’m going to practice letting go. I can only do what I can do. One thing st a time. Whatever damn Mantra i can carry through the day. I want to return. I just want my response to the return to be healthy and productive. Fingers crossed!

Breathe and Just Be

My short term memory is beyond horrible.  I think this is due to both bipolar disorder itself and to medication.  Either way it’s a blessing and a curse. I found this quote this morning, approximately 5.5 hours ago, I cannot remember where I got it from. I also did not write down the name of the person to give credit to, not out of disrespect, but maybe forgetfulness. I’m not sure really.  In any case, its basic and to the point, which makes it even more poignant. “Accept what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be.”

I read it before I went to work this morning. I also read Angel cards. I used to do this everyday when I was living in a recovery house for 30 days. I’m an alcoholic if you didn’t already know. The two cards I pulled were Power and Body Care.  This was a lot of food for thought on a Monday.  As I was driving my whopping 13 minute commute, I could feel tears falling down my cheek.  I was trying to pinpoint exactly why this was happening. I had a good night’s sleep. I had a good weekend. My house was still a mess, but when isn’t it.  Really no reason for the waterworks.

I decided to dig a little deeper. What was I daydreaming about? What was I worried about? I am only facing a 4 hour workday. That doesn’t feel very powerful. I’m going to ask my pdoc to change my work status for full time in 2 weeks. I can do more. I can be more. That feels powerful. I seem to always define myself by my job. If I’m back working full time that means I am well/recovered/better/not ill.  I can almost hear my doc’s response. Let’s make sure you are all those things first, THEN insert more hours.  I see her point. But, I think my point is valid too.

I feel more productive, more useful, more important when I check in somewhere for 8 hours and have tasks to be done.  Its when I have hours of idle time I begin to feel depressed, useless, powerless. I am not so good at implementing my own structure.  I am not so good at giving myself permission to take my sweet time getting back to “normal.” Truth is, I don’t really want to.  My husband does the books at our house. He is an awesome money manager. He insists if it takes the entire month of January for me to recover, and that means only working part time, he will find a way to make it work.  In essence, I can work from 8-12 and eat bon bons til he gets home and its okay.  Well, that may be extreme.  The only real expectation would be to get myself to and from work, and of course pay my personal bills.  Why can’t I just accept that offer?  It really allows me to ensure success on all fronts.

My perfectionism pounces on that line of thinking.  I can’t be doing a good job at only half time. I am needed in the late afternoons (umm…typically, not really).  Here is an opportunity to let go of what was with grace.  I am not the same worker I used to be.  I can’t remember things, my focus, concentration and processing skills are much slower. They just are.  I’m still somewhat quick witted in the humor department.  But, if you are going to tell me something and I need to remember it, I must write it down on a piece of paper.  I literally will lose information between my supervisor’s office and mine..all of 10 feet.

So, by wanting to rewrite my doctor’s plan am I “having faith in what will be?” This is always the hard part for me..walking in faith.  I don’t think I’m a control freak.  I can admit I do have anxiety over what’s going to happen next. For example, sometimes during a weekend or vacation, first thing in the morning I will ask my husband to break down the day for me.  I THINK I do this in an effort to see what he has in mind, maybe something I didn’t know about, and to calculate the hours.  That sounds so crazy. Let’s see, I like to know how the plans in my head jive with the plans in his head.  This way I know how much of a window I have to workout, play on the computer, shower..etc. I hope that makes a little sense.  This doesn’t mean I can’t go with the flow. My preference is to know where I stand in terms of planning the day.

Hmmmm…walking in faith feels much bigger than a day.  I can get all wrapped up in this stuff.  Its like stringy confetti and I just get entangled.  Probably when I don’t need to.  Maybe I can relate this in terms of friendships.  I tend to stay disconnected and long for connection.  I thought about sending an email to a girlfriend I have letting her know I plan to try harder to keep a connection going. But, then I worried about hurt & rejection. Maybe its better to play it safe and just wait for her to call me.  Now, wouldn’t walking in faith be just putting my intention out there by calling more often and planning get togethers more often. Doing the actual work and seeing what the outcome is.  The caveat being having no expectations of that outcome. Oh boy, another doozy.

Quite the rambler I seem to be today. If you are still with me, and you understand any of it, bless you. I could just try to stay in today and see how that goes. I think I need to keep things simpler.  I try to take a look at myself and then just feel bombarded. I can’t separate things out on my own, at least not yet. I can get myself worked up even in the best of intentions.  For now, I am just going to breathe and just be.