I suppose there are “days like this” for everyone. It can be relative. What deeply affects me, rolls right off you. And vice versa. As my mind tries to scramble together the answers…how did this happen again? I was so diligent..so vigilant..so mindful..so…..
I am frozen on the couch. I have no answers. I chew on my nails. My legs bounce around full of anxiety and fear. The tears, just behind these blue eyes, hover in anticipation of the fall. Too many thoughts and surely the visible pain will be seen. Trying ever hard to keep it together.
Not thinking. Over thinking. Just breathing. Looking out the window, searching for something to see. Something else to feel. Distraction must be the key. As the wind tousles the trees, and I can hear dogs barking down the street, I attempt to lose myself in sounds of life. Life outside of me.
Replays of the last conversation w one of My favorite people. Really, my best friend. Rattles my mind. The one uncomplicated relationship has somehow entered the realm of complication. In just a matter of minutes, emotionally charged extra long seconds, things now feel weird. Uncomfortable. Disappointing. Sad.
I’m not afraid of honest apology. I am afraid of confrontation. Afraid someone important to me will stop loving me at any moment. Because I’m an alcoholic. Because I have bipolar disorder. Because sometimes I’m irrational, over emotional, and so damn sensitive. But, this is all part of who I am.
I was recently discussing the idea of redemption. For me, this translates into regaining trust w my husband. Trust I have shattered too often in the past year. First it was a devastating manic episode, which I will never forget. But, really it’s about my picking up the bottle to solve problems, knowing it most likely will cause problems. That part I conveniently forget.
Stepping whole heartily into recovery; be it from alcohol, binge eating, gambling, or mental illness can be scary. Intimidating. Exhilarating. Freeing. Though, one never knows when, if, or how those feelings may come about. Trusting in the process. Trusting in self. A personal redemption of sorts can feel simultaneously completely out of reach and infinitely possible. Depends on the day. The amount of willingness available. Perhaps which step is being taken. Literally and figuratively.
I acknowledge I am powerless. I believe A power greater than myself can restore me to sanity. What I feel I need to do next is relax. Step back even. Not try so hard to conquer whatever beast I think is in front of me. Real or perceived. Be it the jobs I’m Interviewing for, the complications I may have had a hand in, wanting so badly to understand how to turn it all over, and just being a better person.
Phew. It’s a long road. Learning to not be so hard on myself. Not attaching myself to the outcome. Reaching out. Being grateful my arm extends into the air unexpectedly sometimes. Most of all, opportunities to make things right are all possible. IF I’m open enough to just let things happen.