Black & White Shuffle

They are soft tears
Rolling slightly
Quietly
I sit innocent
Unknowingly
As they trickle
No cascade
Just a trickle
Just enough
A lasting reminder
I’m not in control
Depression
Bipolar
Often calling the shots
Television in the rears
Begging for distraction
Yet I stare
Yet memories blare
Yet anxiety taunts
Black
White
Thoughts of despair
Wet cheeks in tow
I shuffle off to bed

Sorry is all I can think to say

My eyes drip w sadness
My body weak from the weight
Turbulent thoughts
Then no thoughts
Just numb
Shutting down
There is no explanation
I do not know the cause
Tears invade my space
I sit unable to express
The sudden pain
I can fight no more
I am tired
I try and try
Fulfill my role as wife, friend, worker
I hold my head high
For as long as I can
Smile for the camera
Dance for you
Now I weep
Broken
On the floor
And i want to say sorry
Sorry
I am not more
Sorry
I am not better
Sorry
I am this way
But the Words fall silent
The guilt remains tethered on the inside
I feel your disappointment
It scars me

What’s Wrong Baby Blue

The ripples of pain
Crash into my heart
My soul
Questions of existence
Of worth
Of belonging
Taunt my mind
When the voices come calling
It’s not decadent
It’s not comfortable
It’s deliberate
And
Fueled by hate
My ears ring
Reverberations
Of verbal assaults
Hauled at me from the darkness
Reminders
Suggestions
I do not belong here
This space is not mine to share
Not deserving of love and life
The visions intrude upon my psyche
Sightings of my body hanging n the wind
No more breath
Limp and alone
Swaying not out of beauty
But of demise
I sit motionless on the couch
Tears stream down my cheek
My baby blue eyes filled
With confusion
But mostly lies

I don’t know what to tell you

Bipolar disorder is tricky.  I had a good nights sleep. I was well prepared for my first appointment. I made breakfast. The sun was shining.   Somewhere on my 25 minute drive I began crying.  I don’t remember thinking about anything. I don’t remember feeling anxious. I just remember tears streaming down my face. I swear I have no understanding why.

I made it through the appointment, but not without some stumbles. I wasn’t able to give direction to my vendor very clearly.  It showed in the email he sent back-incorrectly done. However, it’s all fixable.

i was just fighting back tears ever since the car ride. I sit in a cubicle in a wide open room where there is no where to hide. I run to the bathroom but it’s full of women. I sat in the farthest corner of the courtyard sunglasses on, but someone came by.  The more I had to force them away the heavier they were. Then the flash flood.  As quickly, yet slowly, as I could I packed up my work bag. My back to most of my coworkers I walked out. In my car I just let loose. Why is this happening? I don’t even feel able to think much less ruminate.

My husband just kept repeating you said you slept well.  And I did. Symptoms don’t disappear due to good sleep. There isn’t always a reason!!  I want to yell. It often doesn’t make sense!! All I can do is let the tears fall. I could search for a reason, but why? It’s bipolar disorder.