Here I Go…..tomorrow!

I spent most of the day in bed. Staring at the shadows the bright bright sunshine, filtered through drawn curtains, created.  I cried into the midnight black fur of my kitty.  He nestled into me.  Beating my neck as he likes to sit/lay on my shoulder.  It was 1pm. I set my alarm for 2:30.  Declaring I would get up and do SOMETHING today.  I didn’t really sleep.  I lay semi quietly listening to him breathe.  Petting him.  Loving him.  Feeling like he is my only friend in the world.

Perhaps he is.  I haven’t told him I have bipolar disorder.  But, I think he notices my moods.  He kept pushing his little head into my mine.  Pets can be so comforting.  He is an amazing addition to our household.  I think he is good for me.

Being off work is not good for me.  Having no structure is not good for me.  So…one might suggest I build structure.  I mean, man, to be able to create one’s own structure for the day..how marvelous.  I can paint. I can hike. I can eat. I can watch TV. I can write. I can….but I don’t.  Why its so damn hard for me I do not know.  The sky is the limit right now!  I can go to the beach.  I can drive far and wide.  Yet, retreat to my bedroom under my covers I go.

My husband is not like this.  Not only does he not have bipolar disorder, he doesn’t really have a lazy bone in his body.  He wakes at 5am no matter what day it is. I can hear him unloading the dishwasher by 5:15 if it needs it.  He leaves in the dark and right now comes home in the dark.  Then will make dinner when I haven’t made a plan.  On weekends, he is up with headphones on working on quicken, making sure I don’t have a job doesn’t impact us.  He can’t wait for the sun to come up so he can work in the garden.  He looks around our house and thinks of ways to redecorate.   I…am not like him.

When I was working full time, I had many excuses as to how tired I was.  I couldn’t handle planning taking a shower, planning my work wardrobe, lunch and dinner for the week.  Then I worked part time.  Still, couldn’t pull off all the wifely duties seems I should.  Now. I don’t work.  Laundry in the dryer.  dishes in the sink.  No dinner planned.

I rush to judgement. I rush to shame. What in the world is wrong with me?  I have basically 10 hours from the time my husband leaves to when he gets home from working all damn day to contribute.  I choose to cuddle and shed tears with my kitty.  Maybe not everyday.  But too many days are spent like this.  I do look for jobs over coffee. Diligently. I then tell myself I do not qualify for anything. I am a sham. I fake.  A fraud.  The title that was created for me in my last brief employment is really a lie.  when I resigned, they did not ask why for a reason.  They did not fight for me.  They did not seem to care.

Funny thing, I played tennis on Tuesday after  a very long layoff.  I used to play competitively until..panic attacks, bipolar depression, hospitalizations.  The overall inability to move for much of the time.  I hit very well. I do have to say.  I felt free.  I hit the ball without abandon..or is that with abandon.  I’m not sure.  BUT!  As with me, I have all or nothing thinking.  Black and white thinking.  I played for hours despite my body telling me otherwise.  I kept going to prove I could. To prove..I’m still here.  To prove I exercise for a reason.  To prove bipolar disorder cant ruin everything.

I have a huge blister. probably a right of passage honestly.  But, it just means I can’t play again. I wanted to play today.  Had I taken it slow.  Acknowledged I haven’t played in well over a year, with new shoes to boot, perhaps I could be on the court today.  Not in bed.  Perhaps, my husband wouldn’t have needed to remind me this is what I do.  Self sabotage in a way.  l have to have it all right now.  Right this minute.  Right. This. Fucking. Minute.  I need to feel good right NOW!! and I did.

But, the crash after.  The non movement yesterday sidelined by a blister that could be avoided if only I knew moderation.  The crash still today.  I am at a crossroads of sorts.  I have choices still. I can choose to go to the beach tomorrow.  I’m not so down that I need outpatient or the hospital.  But, its a slippery slope.  One day in bed, leads to two.  Leads to…its not a good path.  I know this.  I have lived this.  I have beaten this mindset before.

My only commitment for tomorrow, for right now, is to go to the gym.  To sweat out this funky funk!  The weather is amazing for February.  I need to find shadows outside under trees, not in my curtain drawn bedroom.  Here I go….tomorrow!

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Black & White Shuffle

They are soft tears
Rolling slightly
Quietly
I sit innocent
Unknowingly
As they trickle
No cascade
Just a trickle
Just enough
A lasting reminder
I’m not in control
Depression
Bipolar
Often calling the shots
Television in the rears
Begging for distraction
Yet I stare
Yet memories blare
Yet anxiety taunts
Black
White
Thoughts of despair
Wet cheeks in tow
I shuffle off to bed

Sorry is all I can think to say

My eyes drip w sadness
My body weak from the weight
Turbulent thoughts
Then no thoughts
Just numb
Shutting down
There is no explanation
I do not know the cause
Tears invade my space
I sit unable to express
The sudden pain
I can fight no more
I am tired
I try and try
Fulfill my role as wife, friend, worker
I hold my head high
For as long as I can
Smile for the camera
Dance for you
Now I weep
Broken
On the floor
And i want to say sorry
Sorry
I am not more
Sorry
I am not better
Sorry
I am this way
But the Words fall silent
The guilt remains tethered on the inside
I feel your disappointment
It scars me

What’s Wrong Baby Blue

The ripples of pain
Crash into my heart
My soul
Questions of existence
Of worth
Of belonging
Taunt my mind
When the voices come calling
It’s not decadent
It’s not comfortable
It’s deliberate
And
Fueled by hate
My ears ring
Reverberations
Of verbal assaults
Hauled at me from the darkness
Reminders
Suggestions
I do not belong here
This space is not mine to share
Not deserving of love and life
The visions intrude upon my psyche
Sightings of my body hanging n the wind
No more breath
Limp and alone
Swaying not out of beauty
But of demise
I sit motionless on the couch
Tears stream down my cheek
My baby blue eyes filled
With confusion
But mostly lies

I don’t know what to tell you

Bipolar disorder is tricky.  I had a good nights sleep. I was well prepared for my first appointment. I made breakfast. The sun was shining.   Somewhere on my 25 minute drive I began crying.  I don’t remember thinking about anything. I don’t remember feeling anxious. I just remember tears streaming down my face. I swear I have no understanding why.

I made it through the appointment, but not without some stumbles. I wasn’t able to give direction to my vendor very clearly.  It showed in the email he sent back-incorrectly done. However, it’s all fixable.

i was just fighting back tears ever since the car ride. I sit in a cubicle in a wide open room where there is no where to hide. I run to the bathroom but it’s full of women. I sat in the farthest corner of the courtyard sunglasses on, but someone came by.  The more I had to force them away the heavier they were. Then the flash flood.  As quickly, yet slowly, as I could I packed up my work bag. My back to most of my coworkers I walked out. In my car I just let loose. Why is this happening? I don’t even feel able to think much less ruminate.

My husband just kept repeating you said you slept well.  And I did. Symptoms don’t disappear due to good sleep. There isn’t always a reason!!  I want to yell. It often doesn’t make sense!! All I can do is let the tears fall. I could search for a reason, but why? It’s bipolar disorder.