I’ve been having a lot of conversations in my head that start with “Dear God.” Sometimes the next few words are simply please help me. Other times it has much more context, passion and emotion. I also have to admit there might be a level of desperation in the mix. Luckily, not always.
I am starting a new job on 6/1. I run the gamut of excitement to breathless anxiety when I think about it. I have gone to bed with a strong mindset that I will be a good leader and can absolutely do this job, to wake with my heart pounding full of intense fear I made the worst decision of my life. Momentarily paralyzed under the covers trying to slow the resounding beats, I start my conversation. This exact scenario happened two mornings ago, which was Saturday. It went a little something like this:
Dear God. Please help me. Please help me believe I can do this job. Please help my heart to slow and my mind to open to the possibilities. Please guide my thinking. I have an opportunity to be teachable and teach. I don’t have to be perfect on day one or ever, really. I just need to be the things I would like in a supervisor-honest, accountable, supportive, positive, team oriented, and a problem solver. Much more to be revealed I’m sure, but this is my start.
As my breathing became normal and heartbeat in a comfortable rhythm once again, I whispered out loud-thank you for listening. I stayed in bed just a little bit longer to ensure my knees wouldn’t be wobbly when my feet hit the floor. Anxiety can be so damn painful. And hidden. And at times relentless. My own mind convincing me I cannot do a job others feel I can. In fact, my old supervisor sought me out for this position. She has all the belief in me.
Why Don’t I?
I’m also trying to have this dialogue when I am not feeling in crisis. For example, when riding my bike with nature all around me I revel in gratitude. This doesn’t seem to come as naturally. Heck, if I’m honest, talking to God is relatively new for me in general. But, I think I kinda like it. Like anything in life, it ebbs and flows. I can certainly be better about it. Progress not perfection.